Episode 37: IKEA Flat-Packs: Assembling the Nursery — 5,000 Core English Words

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Chapter thirty-seven. A room for the baby.

Emma is five months pregnant now. The small room next to their bedroom is empty and bare, and it is time to turn it into a nursery. On Saturday morning they drive to a huge furniture store in a neighbouring suburb, with a list, a measuring tape, and a lot of excitement.

Listen to how to ask for help in a large store, how to find a product in the warehouse, and how two people build a crib without fighting. Almost.

Emma: Look at this place. It's the size of an airport.

Ryan: Follow the arrows on the floor. That's the procedure. If you go backward, you get lost for a lifetime.

Emma: Excuse me. Where can I find cribs and baby furniture?

Staff: Children's is on the second floor, alongside the bedrooms. Take the stairs or the lift, and follow the signs.

Emma: Thank you. Oh, Ryan, look at this one. A white crib, with a drawer beneath it.

Ryan: It's nice. What's the length? The wall is only a hundred and thirty centimeters.

Emma: It says one hundred and twenty-four. It fits. Excuse me, could you help us?

Staff: Sure. What can I do for you?

Emma: We're interested in this crib. Is it safe? I mean, does it have a safety certificate?

Staff: It does. All our cribs meet the national safety standard. The paint is tested, so there's no poison in it, and there are no sharp edges. The mattress is sold separately, and it's flame resistant.

Ryan: Can the base be adjusted?

Staff: Yes. There are three heights. You start with the highest one, and lower it when the baby can sit up. Later, you take off one side, and it becomes a small bed.

Emma: That's brilliant. How much is it?

Staff: This one is a hundred and forty-nine dollars. It's one of our most affordable. We also have a so-called "family" model, in solid wood, for three hundred.

Ryan: We're not wealthy people. The first one is perfect.

Emma: And a changing table? And somewhere to put clothes?

Staff: This chest of drawers has a changing top that you secure to it. It's in the same style. A typical choice with that crib.

Emma: I love it. Is everything in stock?

Staff: Let me check. The crib, yes. The chest, yes. The mattress, only two left. I'd take it today.

Ryan: How do we get them? Do you bring them out?

Staff: It's self-service. Write down the numbers on the tag. The crib is in aisle fourteen, bin twenty-two. The chest is in aisle fourteen, bin thirty. Take a flat cart, go down to the warehouse, and pick up the boxes yourselves.

Ryan: Are they heavy?

Staff: The chest is. It comes in two flat packs, and each one weighs about twenty-five kilos. If you need a hand, press the button at the end of the aisle, and a fellow from the team will come.

Emma: I can't lift anything heavy right now.

Staff: Then definitely press the button. Nobody ought to lift those alone.

Ryan: And if it doesn't fit in our car?

Staff: We have home delivery. It's forty-nine dollars, and it usually takes three to five days. You can also pay for assembly, if you don't want to build it yourselves.

Ryan: I'll build it. How hard can it be?

Staff: I admire your determination, sir. Keep your receipt. You can return or exchange anything within a year.

In the warehouse, the shelves rise to the ceiling. Ryan finds aisle fourteen, checks the tag accurately, and presses the button. A man cheerfully helps him slide three long boxes onto the cart.

Ryan: Thanks. I couldn't have done that alone.

Staff: No problem. Handle them flat, and don't stand them on the edge. Congratulations, by the way.

Emma: I picked up a few small things while you were in the warehouse.

Ryan: A few? The cart is full.

Emma: A blanket. A lamp shaped like a moon. A little chain of paper fish, for an underwater theme. Baby towels. And a rug.

Ryan: Emma, we had a list. This is a ton of stuff.

Emma: I know. I got emotional. Don't bother counting.

Ryan: I'm not defensive about it. It's just that inevitably we come here for two things and leave with twenty.

Emma: That's how they make money, commercially. It's a brilliant system. The cinnamon rolls at the exit are the last element.

Ryan: We're buying those too, aren't we?

Emma: Eagerly.

That afternoon, the nursery floor is covered in boards, screws, and a booklet with no words, only pictures.

Ryan: Okay. Step one. This is amusing. The man in the drawing is smiling. Curiously, I'm not.

Emma: What does it say?

Ryan: It doesn't say anything. It's a picture of an alien holding a hammer. I think it means, "Don't do this alone."

Emma: I'm here. I'll read, you build. You need the long boards, marked A, and eight of the small screws.

Ryan: Got them. Hand me that tool. The bent one.

Emma: This one?

Ryan: Yes. It turns the screws automatically. Well, by hand.

Emma: Ryan, that board is upside down. The holes should be at the rear.

Ryan: It's not upside down.

Emma: Look at the picture. The holes are at the back.

Ryan: Oh. You're right. Let me take it apart.

Emma: Be careful with your thumb.

Ryan: I'm fine. Ow!

Emma: Is it an injury?

Ryan: It's a small one. It's my pride, mostly. Don't laugh.

Emma: I'm not laughing. I'm being humorous, quietly.

Ryan: There's a screw missing. We're one short.

Emma: Check the bag. No. Check under your leg. There.

Ryan: How do you do that?

Emma: I teach children. I find things all day. Now, the next step. Reinforce the corners with the metal pieces. Tighten them firmly, but don't apply too much pressure, or the wood will split.

Ryan: This is the most boring punishment ever invented. A motor could do this.

Emma: You said, "How hard can it be?"

Ryan: I'd like to take that back. Broadly speaking, I was wrong.

Three hours later, there is a white crib against the wall, and a chest of drawers with a changing top. The moon lamp is on, and the paper fish turn slowly in the air.

Emma: Ryan. Look at that.

Ryan: I built it. With my hands. It's standing.

Emma: Shake it. Is it stable?

Ryan: It doesn't move. That's a permanent fixture. I burst with pride.

Emma: You ably built a crib. I'll give you my approval, in writing.

Ryan: I lost a fraction of a thumb and all of my nerve. But yes.

Emma: Come and stand here, by the door. Look at the whole room. I can see it. A baby in there. A rocking chair in that corner.

Ryan: It's a nice thing to see. I didn't expect to feel this much about furniture.

Emma: It's not the furniture.

Ryan: No. It isn't.

Emma: Can I tell you a thought? In brief?

Ryan: Go on.

Emma: When I was at the store, I saw a notice. They run an annual program. They give furniture to families who were homeless, and they need people to help build it. One Saturday a month.

Ryan: And you'd like us to do it.

Emma: You have a passion for it now. And efficiency. Three hours for one crib.

Ryan: Very funny. Yes. Let's contact them. It's a decent thing to do. My brother could come. He's a senior officer now, and he needs a hobby.

Emma: It's a good ethic for a child to see. Nobody is a servant, and everybody builds.

Ryan: There's no deadline, is there? I need to recover first.

Emma: Take your time. I'll inspect the screws again tomorrow. Politically, I'm on your side. Practically, I trust nobody.

Ryan: You'd have made a good naval officer. Or a consultant.

Emma: I made a reservation for dinner instead. Somewhere convenient. Close by, where people reside and don't build things.

Ryan: A boost for my poor hands. Where is it?

Emma: Around the corner. They situate the tables in a garden. No complications. And a frequent customer discount, because we've been there eight times this month.

Ryan: Is there a seminar tonight on anything? Prams? Bottles?

Emma: No. Tonight there's only pasta, and no charge for my company.

That is the end of chapter thirty-seven. A crib, a chest of drawers, a paper fish, and a father with a sore thumb.

Keep these with you: "Where can I find cribs?" "Is everything in stock?" "Which aisle is it in?" "Do you have home delivery?" "Hand me that tool." "There's a screw missing."

In the next chapter, nothing in Emma's closet fits any more, and one new dress has to go back to the store.

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